I Can't Find My Mask

I can't find my mask today.
Usually it disappears while i'm alone and I can just be.
I can put a smile on my face and make it through the day when people are around.
Today I woke up and I felt so irritated, skin crawling, then sad.
What is wrong with me?
Why can't I be strong?
Why can't I reconcile myself with this life?
Life seems so long.
So long.
I don't think I can do it, but I can't keep hiding and lying dormant.

"Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace." Sylvia Path

Why doesn't my mind work properly if I was meant to live this life and be a mother to these children?
It's basic. Your mind. It directs, dominates, limits, manipulates, restricts, pulls.
When my mind won't work I feel helpless, powerless, weak. Abnormal.
Why can't I just "get on board" with existence? It's basic, right?
If I was all by myself it would be ok. I would go. I can't go, because I have children.
Can I keep avoiding life and faking it the rest of the time?
I am exhausted. My spirit is bankrupt. I feel not just crippled but bare, depleted.
I'm done. I'm so done.
If I could just have a glimpse of "normalcy", happiness. Not even happiness, but just feeling ok, then maybe I could get some strength to last me a little while.
I want to desire something. I want to find satisfaction in something. Anything.
"What can I do that will make me happy?" I selfishly ask myself. Nothing.
Living a dream in my head is my only escape, but I always have to come back. No matter how hard I close my eyes and wish, I have no magic.
I have no magic pill.
No magic to wish myself into a different existence, to turn back time.
Would I be happy if I had made different choices, or would I feel the same, just different walls, different people, different obligations?
I can pretend that things would be different and I would be happy and content. Life would be. Life would be what? Happy? That's too much. I don't need happy, ecstatic, manic, I just need to be ok.

"Is there no way out of the mind?"

"I talk to God but the sky is empty." So I quit talking.

When did I become this person, or has this been me all along.
Was I just too persuaded of my exceptionality by parents who wanted to be sure I felt loved?
Too preoccupied by the flattery, the constant applause given me as a child and a teenager?
I was so special, so beautiful, so different. Meant for great things. Called on this earth for some great purpose.
I have found that those things are concocted by people who want you to feel good about yourself and grow into a healthy and religious adult.
But what an incredible disappointment when you find that none of them are true. That you are just one of the crowd. How selfcentered you are!
I am undistinguished.
I am so tired of beautiful quotes about motherhood, life, marriage, being strong, living each day as if it is a gift.
Each day is another day of a death sentence that can't end soon enough.
God, what do you want from me?
If you want nothing, then I can give you that.
If you want something, then give me the tools, because my hands are turned up and empty.

"Why the hell are we conditioned into the smooth strawberry-and-cream Mother Goose-world, Alice-in-Wonderland fable, only to be broken on the wheel as we grow older and become aware of ourselves as individuals with a dull responsibility in life?"

I looked out my window and saw a man walking a dog.
How does he do that?
Why does he do that?
What compels him to get dressed, put on his shoes, leave the concealment of his home, and walk down the street?
I don't understand it?
Does he enjoy walking down the sidewalk, with his thoughts and nothing else?
I want to escape my thoughts and the only way I know how is to immerse myself in music, movies, or medication, and I can't do the the last one, although that's the one I want.

"Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it, or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to." Sylvia Plath

Things my Facebook Status might say

Ok, now for the things that my Facebook Status could really say:

I spent a good part of the day being verbally abused by my 13 year old. Do you know what it feels like to be repeatedly struck in the head with a hammer?

F*** You!

I hate all the fake positivity you people spew out!

I have severe depression, anxiety, a tic disorder, and OCD! Yay!

I’m 40 pounds overweight and don’t have the willpower or motivation to lose it.

I’m still breaking out like a teenager! So much fun!

I take tons of medication.

I enjoy my time alone and wish I could be alone all the time.

The "Bell Jar" makes me happy.

I’m not addicted to running, I’m addicted to Dr. Pepper and food you skinny whores!

I talk back to the facebook statuses I hate. “Snuggling with your kids? Perfect!”

I am a complete cynic and almost always pessimistic.

I hate social situations and would rather stay alone in my house.

I like inappropriate movies!

I’m in love with a movie star.

I feel like crap everyday!

I’m totally pretending that we aren’t broke, in debt, and pretty much unemployed.

I do most things in my life because I have to, not because I want to.

I love Beavis and Butthead.

I am totally unsatisfied!

I can’t remember the last time my husband gave me flowers. Happy Anniversary to me!

I’m a sucky mom.

I’m completely sick of doing what i’m supposed to do and I want to do something fun.

I’m such a crappy wife I have taught my husband to ignore all my needs and wants.

I haven’t earned any respect from my kids!

Life. What’s the point?

I totally wear a social mask!

If I said what I really wanted to, I would have no friends.

I love xanax!

I love watching clips of Pineapple Express. It’s so funny!

I want to run away.

Good bye suckers!

There you go, love it or leave it.

Things my Facebook Status will never say

Ok, so one night, after being totally disaffected with Facebook and the guilt associated with it, I composed a list of things that will never appear on my Facebook status.
Here they are:

What a beautiful fall day! The kids and I are going to collect leaves! Hooray!

15 years and counting of the best freaking marriage ever. I love my honey bunny more each and every day J Thanks for all the flowers today! He sent me all my favorites!

I only ran 15 miles today but I feel freaking awesome! 2 more weeks to the marathon!

Camping in the rain and having the most incredible time playing board games with my 6 kids!

Just finished re decorating my family room and now Better Homes and Gardens wants to feature it in their magazine!

I feel so great today, nothing can stop me! Yay life!

Just sat next to James Franco on the flight to New York for business where I am the featured speaker! We’re having dinner later!  Love flying first class!

I just made my second million and I’m trying to figure out what to do with it all! And I’m in Hawaii! And I’m super tan and super hot and I’ve had 6 kids! I miss them so much I’m going to cut my trip short!

I quit drinking pop and lost those last 30 pounds! Back to a size 2!

Just finished canning 150 jars of peaches! Here I come apples! And my 6 kids helped me all along the way after they finished cleaning the entire house! They’re so cute! They sang the whole time!

Pregnant with number 7! We’re just so thrilled! Although the doctor is concerned I’m not gaining enough weight L

I’m so freaking happy! That fireside was the best! Ps they asked me to be the keynote speaker at the next one.

It is such a delight to have a teenager! She’s my best friend and totally respects me too!

My husband and I just finished reading the best book, TOGETHER!

Just back from Maui and getting ready for my “business” trip to Grand Cayman. Wow I’m tired after that flight! And I sat next to Michael Jackson and taught him about the gospel! His baptism is set for next week!

That 5 am hike was so refreshing! I’m so ready for the awesome day ahead!

I’ve decided to homeschool my kids because I miss them too much and I’m not impressed with the public school system. My kids need more of a challenge because they’re so smart.

When I woke up this morning my husband sent me to get a massage and see a movie while he and the kids cleaned the entire house! And for no special occasion, just because they love me!

Did I mention I'm a cynic?

I swore I would never blog

Ok, so I swore I would never write a blog. It was either this or write a book, and that is way too daunting and i'm way too unqualified. Although by some of the literature i've read in my book club, being qualified may not be a problem.
But, I am writing a blog. Why? Because my sister thinks it might help me deal with my dibilitating depression, anxiety, and general loathing of life. She also thought some people might want to read about it. I said, "No one really wants to know what's in my head." She said, "Well you told me about that "Bell Jar" book and people like to read that." I like to read it, but do "people" ( I secretly mean "normal" people) like to read stuff that deals with depression? I don't know, but I need to get my thoughts out somehow, so how better than to open my sometimes scary mind to an anonymous group of people that may judge me, but at least I don't know them. Or, I may be my only reader, which will be ok too.

Here's a little about me:
I am a 35 year old "stay-at home mom"
My kids are all in school now, and I have a teenager
I have a college degree with a dual major, so there, i'm not dumb
I was brought up in a very "religious" household
I am a cynic
I am a Dr. Pepper addict
I feel completely unfulfilled
I would rather sleep than be awake
I am racked with enormous amounts of guilt
I take "several" mood stabalizing and mood enhancing medications
I have been diagnosed with severe depression, an anxiety disorder, OCD, and a tic disorder
I have been to way too many therapists, i'm done with that route
My favorite thing to do is nothing
Facebook makes me even more depressed but i'm too scared to leave it
I love to read, but I prefer well written romances, gothic novels, or dark novels.
I used to enjoy things
I don't enjoy things anymore
I have a husband and 3 kids that I think I don't love enough
I got married when I was 19, what the hell was I thinking?
I want my life to be a Jane Austen movie with more sex
I am having a fantasy relationship in my head with a celebrity
I love movies
I have a constant stream of cuss words in my head
I have a very long list of things my facebook status will never say, i'll share later
I'm a grammar snob
I'm a spelling snob
I feel like I wear a mask everyday because no one would like the real me
I want to be that "perfect" mom and wife but I just can't manage it
My favorite thing is being alone and watching tv. With a Dr. Pepper
Did I say I have an extreme amount of guilt? That last thing about the tv triggered some more
I try really hard, but I feel like I always fail
I'm adopted. Automatic abandonment issues!
My meds make me gain weight which adds to my depression
I think life is way too long
I'm pretty much at rock bottom
I don't even tell my best friend what is really in my head
Damn it feels good to be a gangster. I'm watching "Office Space"
I'm sarcastic, which I've been told is not Christlike
I go ape-shit if anyone does anything that hurts my kids
My husband thinks I should not swear or go ape-shit
I want to be the "hot mom" at school but I'm about 30 lbs over
I really just want to be myself, but i'm scared
I want so bad to wear an Oscar gown someday
I love art, all kinds, just the kind that speaks to me
I love poetry, especially beautiful love poems
I'm a hopeless romantic who married a wonderful man who doesn't know the meaning of romance

Anyway, there it is.
Love me or hate me, that is the question.
If you love me then, thank you,
If you hate me then f*** you.
Thank you, the illustrious Lady Sovereign

I love music.
I wish I didn't have such a need to be liked.

Well, my kids will be home from church in a few minutes so I better end the first post on my "secret blog".

L,
Medicated and not motivated